San Francisco CA - Scientists predict that millions of rebellious idiotic, rude, young adults will be blinded Monday. Dr. Smerve Leude of the Whackover Institute told reporters that the eclipse of the sun Monday would not be total. Damaging rays would blind anyone stupid enough to stare at it. He noted that a mass coronal ejection event is likely to occur during the eclipse, powerful enough to blind all looking at it. Also the Shining Star satellite from Notth Korea will explode causing an EMP during totality.
The good doctor laid it on the line, "Basically, anyone stupid enough to stare at the sun deserves to go blind. I mean really, I learned that in the eighth grade, not to stare at the sun. Most of today's young unemployed drugged up hopped up sexed up chatted up laughed up weeded up aspartame chugging beer drinking pot smoking losers will probably go blind Monday.
"Invest in white canes", he concluded.