Prohibition Of Sugar Beginning January 1st, 2013 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man In Sugar Induced Coma

Funny story written by Jack Goff

Monday, 6 February 2012

image for Prohibition Of Sugar Beginning January 1st, 2013 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man In Sugar Induced Coma

Washington DC: President Obama has just signed America's new prohibition bill into law. This law is similar to the 1920s and 1930s alcohol prohibition that restricted and set down the rules for enforcing the ban on alcohol, as well as defining the types of alcoholic beverages that were prohibited. The interesting part is that this law doesn't give the federal government the authority to restrict alcohol consumption, but instead it puts a ban on the production, distribution, and consumption of sugar and products containing sugar. This means that any and all products that is currently on the shelf at your local grocery store that contains Sucrose (sugar) in any form will no longer be available after December 31, 2012.

This means that the soft drink that you enjoy will only be available in its sugar free diet form. Here is a short list of products that will be directly affected by this sugar prohibition. Candy, doughnuts, barbeque sauce, sweet tea, pre-sweetened Kool-Aid, pies, cakes, cake icing, cookies, sweetened cereal, sports and energy drinks, any fruit juice that has added sugar, and chewing gum.

After December 31, 2012 the only way you as a consumer will have access to sugar will be by doctor's prescription only. Those found with sugar in their possession without a prescription will be charged with possession of a controlled substance and can face up to 5 years in prison if the sugar is for personal use. Those found to be selling sugar without a medical license will face federal charges with possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance and face 20 years to life in a federal prison.

Many constitutionalists like Ron Paul claim that the federal government is violating individual choice, freedom, and liberty promised to us by the US Constitution. Proponents of this bill call this a triumph for protecting the poor, and children from obesity due to sugar consumption. Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) said the following to reporters during a press conference, "Due to the increased epidemic of obesity in this country, selling sugar as a non-regulated commodity has become counter productive to the Affordable Healthcare Act that is due to take affect in 2014." Senator Reid continued by saying, "But even more important than our countries health concerns is our nation's energy crisis. We need to find a viable replacement for oil that is harming the environment, and we need to become energy independent; sugar provides us with a viable replacement. 99% of all sugar imported into this country and 100% domestically produced sugar will now be used to create clean burning ethanol which will then be used in our cars as a replacement for gasoline."

I asked Senator Reid how will this lead to energy independence being that the vast majority of sugar consumed in the US is already imported? I also reminded him that out of 44 billion pounds of sugar consumed in the US a year, only 17 billion pounds of it is grown domestically. Senator Reid responded with the following, "We have thought about that, and that's why we are currently drafting a bill to end all agricultural production in this country other than sugarcane. It is our hopes that if we can create an artificial famine, over the next 3 - 4 years the population will drastically drop due to starvation and then we will have a surplus of sugar." Reid continued by saying, "This is a multi step plan. First we lower consumption by starving the American people to death, then we get the economy moving by becoming an exporting nation. It is our goal to become the worlds largest exporter of sugar."

Many civil rights activists have come out in protest of this new regulation, none more than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man who worries that this will lead to his deportation being that his primary ingredients are corn syrup, sugar, and dextrose, which all of them are forms of sugar.

As of now sugar is legal but that will change in just under 11 months when this prohibition of sugar takes affect.

Many national grocery chains like Walmart, Krogers, Meijers, Piggly Wigglies, and Winn Dixie say that they have to use armed security in their stores to prevent theft and fighting over what little sugar they have left on the shelves. A spokeswoman for Walmart stated, "Sugar sales are way up throughout the country as people have began to hoard sugar and prepare for the coming year."

Kenneth E. Melson, director of the A.T.F. (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms) has come out with a proposal to expand this department in an attempt to combat the growing threat of pending illegal sales of sugar on the black market. Melson said, "We are in the process of hiring and training 10,000 new agents to enforce this prohibition of sugar when it takes affect next year." Melson continued by saying, "We are changing the name of this agency to the A.T.F.S. (Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Sugar)."

Earlier today the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Mrs. Butterworth, and the chocolate Easter Bunny went on a rampage in Washington DC to protest this new law. The three sugary characters called themselves Occupy The Hill. The chocolate Easter Bunny and Mrs. Butterworth were melted into a puddle by flamethrower wielding S.W.A.T. teams and then later recycled into ethanol fuel. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was also injured in this protest and is currently in a sugar induced coma and is not expected to survive.

Jack Goff reporting from the capital.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more