Obama's Economic Growth Plan - Fire 80,000 in US Military

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Friday, 3 February 2012

image for Obama's Economic Growth Plan - Fire 80,000 in US Military
Obama's Vision for US Military - Robot Special Forces (China won bid to make them)

WASHINGTON, DC - In his State of The Union Address, President Obama praised US troops for their hard work, competence, honor, selfless service, and ability to exceed expectations. Afterward, he announced that he would fire 80,000 members of the US Armed Forces which defend America. Nancy Pelosi (D-California) gave the President resounding approval for his economic policy, repeating how Unemployment Checks and Food Stamps were one of the best ways for government to grow the economy. The White House expects a savings of $1 TRILLION, and Tim Geithner (Secretary of the Treasury) added that finding another 990,000 Americans to fire could eliminate more than half of the US Federal Debt.

While political analysts admit it's possible that Obama could fire 150 Million Americans and theoretically save $985 TRILLION, most of them believe that Democrats are trying to steal the "I Like to Fire People" vote from Mitt Romney by using empty campaign rhetoric. The Vice President disputed political motivations, and claimed it made sense to fire soldiers during a period of high unemployment.

Joe Biden (US Vice President): When the American men and women get back from fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, they're certain to feel good about not having a job. Instead of being surrounded by land mines and desert, they'll get to sleep under bridges and in cardboard boxes. With expert survival training, no one should worry about them starving, due to their skill in trapping small animals and foraging for scraps of food.

Unfortunately, violence in the Mideast has resulted in significant criticism of the massive defense cuts. Journalists asked Valerie Jarrett if she was concerned by any of the following world events:

  • Americans Held in Egypt and Facing Possible Imprisonment
  • Pakistan Supporting Taliban and Anti-American Militants
  • Iran Threatens to Cut Off 20% of World Oil at Strait of Hormuz
  • Syrian Government Using Military to Kill Thousands of Protesters
  • "Disappearance" of 20,000 Heat-Seeking Missiles from Bunkers in Libya
  • Major Escalation in Iraq Sectarian Violence After US Troop Withdrawal

Valerie Jarrett (Senior White House Advisor): Those things don't worry me at all.... Now we can live in harmony, ever since President Obama lowered the oceans, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for saving 7 Billion people by traveling back in time to stop oil companies from splitting the Earth in half and destroying the Universe. Soon, under Barack Hussein Obama's benevolent rule, there will be no need for armies, and the world will be united in a new global order.

Adding more support for US military cuts, many prominent Democrats reminded critics about the value of UN Peacekeeping Units.

Michael Bloomberg (Mayor of New York City): With the United Nations so close to New York City, the US really doesn't need a strong military. I have been told by top UN officials that if America were under attack, they would gladly send thousands and thousands of soldiers to help. We should not allow cynical mistrust to ruin offers of friendship from Russia, China, Iran, North Korea, Pakistan, Yemen, and many others.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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