Windsor - Of course there's been no sex vid or dodgy Kate-and-Harry-at-it shagging pics from her 2007 breakup with William.
Yet.
Instead a weird platonic aura surrounds the newlyweds who don't touch, cuddle or exchange physical intimacies in public.
And whose body language appears curiously rehearsed.
"I blame those terrible middle-aged clothes the silly slut's been parading," LA FagHagSlagMag fashionistas said today.
"Frumpy dowager-esque couture does not equate style. Or sex appeal. Or taste!"
But are Kate Middleton's gladrag disasters such a turn-off for husband Wills?
"We've yet to see Kate flash a hint of boob," paparazzi outside the Mahiki drinking club complained at lunchtime.
"Before the engagement a half-cut, bedraggled Kate in semi-see-thru tops was always the norm at throwing out time.
"Now after losing all that weight she's buttoned up to the neck like there's no boob left to flash anymore..."
The newly elevated Duchess of Cambridge was pictured today in a Desperate Housewives-type of hideous blue patterned coat with equally horrid matching pork pie hat.
A succession of Trooping the Colour and Charity Night outfits saw Kate likened to Princess Margaret's corpse dragged out of the mausoleum for a charity shop gala catwalk.
Minus the old gin-soaked ho's actual sartorial taste.
"She's probably in some sort of sordid megage a trois with testosterone-rampant Harry," the barman at Pintpot Lil's commented tonight.
"Don't be surprised if any brats turn out ginger."
