London - He's taking no chances after Saturday's Epsom Salts - er...Derby! - fiasco that saw talking whorse Carlton House strip punch-drunk Brits of £25million in failed bets.
This coming weekend silly self-publicist/mug punter Prince William aims to win the regal protocol stakes.
Newly elevated to the Captaincy of the Irish Provisional Guards his Trooping the Colour ride on an eight year-old grey gelding called Royal Gravytrain may have already sealed his karmic fate.
A series of leaked photo-ops in the last few days has paraded the fatuous impostor strutting his stuff around Whorseguards Parade.
"It's meant to make him look virile and capable," an army source explained, "much like those bare-chested shots of Vlad 'The Impaler' Putin on his snowy white KGB mare Camilla!
"Hopefully Wills' frumpy-dresser wife Kate won't frighten the horses with another Queen Mother-esque outfit that freaked Carlton House!"
As vanity exercises go Saturday's coming pageant commemorating the Queen's official birthday is the annual icing on the let-them-eat-cake royals.
Last week someone in the Palace did try to warn HM that tragedy and mayhem are bound to follow in the event her over-hyped Derby hope flopped.
"Yeah, but she flew in to an absolute rage when the Palace anagram ouija board spelled out 'Pleb's Pet Rat' for Carlton House," a flunkey commented.
"And 'Routing Her Protocol' for Trooping the Colour saw her face turn puce."
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is drunk as a skunk.
