Following their disastrous showing in the Holyrood elections last week, the Scottish Conservatives have decided to take a series of drastic measures.
The first action was to get rid of leader Annabel Goldie who stood down on Monday - the Tories down South were all agreed that they could never hope to make up lost ground with the "Grannie like" Goldie still in charge.
Prime Minister David Cameron has ordered an urgent review of the Tartan Tories and has appointed an image guru to coordinate the new look.
Female Tories up North will henceforth be forbidden from wearing the traditional tweed skirts made famous by Goldie , while blue rinses and hush puppies have also been outlawed.
Male Conservatives will not be allowed to go within a mile of brown brogues or checked flannel shirts and will be encouraged to use gel in their hair.
All future Tory candidates will have to be under 30 years of age and will be forced to pass a Youth Culture exam before their candidacies are accepted.
