Written by IainB

Friday, 11 March 2011

image for Goldfish thefts finally stopped
Used to be worth £12 an ounce

The skint, hard up and penniless are up in arms today after it was revealed that Cas4gold.con are no longer going to accept goldfish.

"It turns out," said Cas Aurum, atomic weight 79, CEO of Cas4gold.con, "Goldfish are not made of gold."

This announcement has been a godsend for the people of Whipping Bottom, a small vilage in Kent, who had been plagued by thieves raiding their ponds.

"We've lost countless goldfish," said Stuart Dumplings. "These miscreants would sneak in during the twilight hours and grab as many fish as they could get, and clear off before being seen. At first we thought the village had a plague of herons, but they were seen by one heroine, who realised they were thieves on heroin."

The thieves had been sending the goldfish into Cas4Gold.con in return for hard cash. Now Aurum has put a stop to this by refusing to accept any more goldfish.

"Some people were getting quite desperate," said Aurum. "Sending in koi and the occasional silverfish. This was when we realised that we were being taken for a ride. I mean, silver fish are neither silver nor fish. And we don't accept silver anyway."

Cas4Gold.con are now only accepting metallic gold that melts when heated instead of cooking.

"This also means we are not accepting gold standards, gold paint or golden retrievers," Aurum said. "The latter are only golden, not even gold at all."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Theft, Goldfish

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