Hollywood running out of police cars

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 4 November 2010

image for Hollywood running out of police cars
The last two patrol cars in Hollywood

The American film industry is facing something of crisis. So many recent films have required scenes in which the American police showcase their poor driving skills by crashing into just about anything stationary or moving that they are running out of police cars.

"I've just finished filming Katastophe Four," said United Artists stunt driver, Michael "Crash" Stone. "I personally drove four police cars off a bridge, had one stomped on by a giant invisible alien space craft and got ran off the road by a kid on a scooter. My fellow stunt drivers smashed twenty-four police cars in that scene."

Other films, such as Die Hard Six and Transformers 4 have all gone through their own squadron of police cars, whilst the new series of the Sarah Connor Chronicles wasted fifteen police cars in the opening scene. This has left the studios with something of a dilemma.

"We currently have three cars that would serve as police cars with a bit of a spray job," said Stone. "Unfortunately, the next job I'm doing is the film version of the sitcom Friends, and we need to blow up four police cars at the end of that. We're one short already."

The rate at which Hollywood is going through police cars is outstripping car manufacturers ability to build them.

"The studios are going to be looking at maybe using CGI in a few films that require a lot of patrol cars to be destroyed," said Stone. "However, even with the latest generation of CGI, the cars still lack that absolute reality as they plough through a barrier and hurtle off a cliff. Besides, it would put me out of a job."

The shortage is so bad that the science fiction remake of Death Race 3000 scheduled for release has undergone something of a rewrite, with the police of the future all driving Toyota Corollas in a variety of colours as their is insufficient time to get them all resprayed. The special effects departments will be slapping police crests on the doors, and leaving it at that. The new Bruce Willis blockbuster will be reusing previously smashed police cars that will be towed through the shots. Police Academy 12 The Reunion has been put on hold in favour of a new Cololmbo movie which requires no patrol cars at all.

"I hope it gets sorted soon," said Stone. "They had me driving a Prius in the previous movie I shot. It was a good job that the scene didn't require me to use the breaks."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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