Wiltshire police to charge door frame with assault of woman in custody

Funny story written by Deafo

Thursday, 18 November 2010

image for Wiltshire police to charge door frame with assault of woman in custody
This light a 'souvenir' from a beheaded 'transformer' dismembered by a toilet

A Wiltshire door frame is expected to be charged with the actual bodily harm of a woman in custody after a policeman previously imprisoned for the act, was found not guilty on appeal.

Sgt Mark Andrews, of Wiltshire Police, was filmed ushering Pamela Somerville through Melksham police station whilst whistling the theme tune to 1970's classic 'On the buses', in July 2008.

Sgt Andrews said, 'she was familiar with the show and began singing along at one point, so I decided to up the tempo and inject a bit more urgency into her act, but that's when the door frame intervened. It kind of shrugged her off when she tried to grip it mid pirouette.'

The officer was originally found guilty of causing her actual bodily harm when throwing her into her cell and subsequently spent six of the most unwarranted days in prison since Ronnie Barker got locked on the Porridge set during a half term break.

'In defence of the door frame she was one of the most unpredictable prisoners I had ever dealt with. You just didn't know what was going to happen with her, she could be bleeding one minute, dancing around the next,' the policeman said.

The door frame, residing in the Wiltshire constabulary is due for retirement in two years but could lose its pension should a successful prosecution be made.

The appeal judge, Mr Justice Knottir, said after the four-day hearing he was satisfied that Sgt Andrews did not intend throw her, and that injuries she suffered 'were probably caused by the door frames insubordinance, and demob mentality pre retirement.'

Wiltshire Police expect to make an statement on the matter 'soon'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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