Government Launches Justice Lottery

Funny story written by The Medium Cheese

Saturday, 29 May 2010

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The New Tribunal Claim Form

In a bid to reduce public expenditure and raise funds, Justice Secretary Ken Clark has announced a new justice lottery.

In a speech at Westminster on Tuesday, Clark told MPs that the new system would be quicker and fairer for everybody. He revealed that the system has been successfully trialed in immigration and asylum services for years, and will now be rolled out to cover the entire civil and criminal justice services.

Under the coalition, there will be further, radical changes right across the civil justice system. Old fashioned concepts of evidence, legal arguments and judges will be replaced by machines similar to those used by the national lottery operator.

"The new system is simple and quick", Clark said, "and it's eminently fairer, giving everyone a basic 50-50 chance of succeeding, whether they are defendants or plantiffs. Litigants can improve their chances by buying extra rows of numbers on their claim and defence forms."

Police questioning and investigations will be phased out and replaced with scratchcards issued to officers and suspects alike, eliminating time wasted on questioning and paperwork. The police will be phased out by 2013.

Clark hinted that there will be special measures for dealing with serious crime more democratically:

"The savings on Police forces will help us reduce the deficit, and improve democracy by letting people decide at local level on serious issues like guilt and sentencing. We hope northern towns like Bradford will revert to lynch mobs and public hangings, by the people, for the people."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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