The Tories launched their 2010 General Election manifesto today, at Battersea Power Station, in a hardback cover. PR men at Tory Towers decided that it should be a terrific tome worthy of the upperclass Tory twits.
Journos and Tory followers are paying £65 each for the privilege of owning the manifesto, all proceeds going to a "charitable educational trust".
Top Tories, including Cameron, Osbourne and Johnson, have their own special edition manifesto. Their much heavier special tomes, rejects from a Harry Potter print run, have hollowed out centres. There is no evidence their rejects were part of the Deathly Hollows masterpiece.
"They are to remind us of our jolly times at Eton" smirked Boris. "My jolly times actually, whacking and thrashing Camo and Osbo with my faithful cane. They didn't think I knew they shoved their English - Latin dictionaries down the back of their trousers. I'm not silly, I just whacked their legs instead. Boy, did they scream, more, more we want more!! Osbo loved it, can't wait till he's Chancellor. I'll show him the real meaning of quantitative easing!!"
Curiously, his war cry was batterzee bum boys.
Camo, is attached to his manifesto, disguised as an extra large wallet to hide his iPad, guidance notes from samcam and his collection of naughty pics from Eton.
"I can practise my reading skills in the House" he smiled, "They said that I was dyslexic but that was only my parents way of applying for extra grants from the DSS to make us even richer. I'm better at reading now, I can even do silent reading. And I can watch Maggies greatest speeches on my iPad to give me inspiration against the Gormless oik!"
The boys are just off to the "Wackemandthrashem Club" in Pall Mall, membership fee paid by an anonymous Tory non dom donor living in Switzerland, to try out their new bum protectors.
"Our benefactors are so generous" smirked Boris, "Still, they will emerge victorious in the 2012 Olympic contract awards and become mega mega rich. Lovely, just lovely, we are all pals together".