Susan Boyle sensationally announced last night that she is to stand for Parliament. Contesting the West Lothian seat, she will stand as an independent calling herself the 'SuBo Party'.
"Och, I'll show 'em! There'll be nae more crap with me in charge!" said SuBo launching her campaign.
SuBo's policies include an immediate reduction in tax on lemonade, the banning of red scarves, and free cat food for all. It will also be a legal requirement for all households to own a copy of her CD.
Fanatics were confused as always.
"I'm not sure what this means?" said some generic American fanatic. "I didn't know they had elections in Scotland? I thought the Queen was in charge?"
"Yeehaa! This ol' cowboy does declare that he approves! Does this finally make her 'Lady' Susan?" rambled the cowboy wannabe.
"How do we vote?" asked another American fanatic. "Do we phone in, or can we do it online? Can we keep refreshing the page and vote for her 9 million times?"
"We will pray for her success, even though we've no idea what an MP actually is," said The Clappies.
"We will add a range of 'Vote for Susan!' buttons to our Tacky Gift Shop," enthused the new chief fanatic from his hospital bed.
An entirely fictitious spokesperson for the UK Immigration Office said "We've had hundreds of calls this morning from Americans wanting to become UK citizens. We also had some guy from Canada wanting to show us his 'dangly bits'."
Meanwhile, fanatics with wealthy husbands were planning a trip to London. "We want to be here to see her voted in!" said some wealthy fanatic. "I'm sure I can 'persuade' my husband to pay for the trip!"
Bookmakers currently have her at 5000/1. "Easy money!" said a wealthy fanatic. "I'll wager $50,000 on her to win!"