In a speech, written by Bojo, Boris Johnson, Hairbrush Dave, recalled his fondness for his years spent at top Public School, Eton.
Reminiscing about his days as a fag, he massaged his bum continuously.
"If we stepped out of line, or when the Senior Boys were just feeling like smacking us around a bit, we would receive many a good thrashing" recalled Dave.
"When Bojo was in a foul mood, he could lash out with that cane and ripped the bum out of many a pair of fag's Levi Stay Pressed. Hit 'em where the good lord split 'em he would cry out. Butt, it taught us the discipline needed to tell lies and deceive, with no conscience, as we do now so often"
Dave's habit of sweeping his hair back with his hand is a constant reminder of his nervousness and fear of the Bojo "Raising Cain" days.
"When I got into the Senior School, I had to thrash my fag sometimes. When he didn't toast my crumpets as I like them or used marg instead of butter. Of course, he came from a council estate and had never seen a good butter in his life. My gad that fag had a few good whackings. He learned to behave."
The factory workers were left shaking their heads, many thinking to themselves. "I thought Tebbit was the masochist"
Watching the speech on TV later that evening, Gordon Brown hummed his favourite Springsteen song to himself,
"Can't start a fire, can't start a fire without a spank this bums for hire, Davy, we're going to kick you in the arse"