Thousands of Susan Boyle fans from all over the world have arrived in Area 52 for the Grand Opening Ceremony of the Museum-For-All-Things-Susan (M.F.A.T.S.).
"These ladies are unfreakingbelievable," said one area resident. "They absolutely refuse to remove their red wool scarves despite the heat of the Arizona desert. Sometimes I really wonder about their sanity. It's getting more surreal around here than over in Area 51. In fact, I think I would prefer the arrival of aliens from outer space than these SuBo fanatics."
Owners of local area restaurants are complaining that the Red Scarf Brigade will only order The Red Plate Special, a menu item featuring poached salmon, sliced tomatoes, and strawberries, washed down with 2003 La Rioja Alta "Vina Alberdi" Reserva Rioja, a classically-styled red Spanish wine believed to be the favorite of Piers Morgan. Supplies of this wine are reported to be running low. "I have never seen a group of ladies drink like this," one amazed owner commented.
This reporter obtained an interview with Retired-Gentleman-In-Arizona (RGIA)shortly after the Grand Opening Ceremony. Seated in his office at the museum, he said that "It was such a proud moment when I cut the red ribbon at the opening." (Ed: You really didn't think that ribbon would be any other color than red, did you?) It has taken a lot of planning and effort to bring this project to fruition, and as you can see, the museum is really beautiful considering the millions I have spent on it."
"Also, I am pleased to announce that a franchise agreement has finally been reached with the Bobbsey Twins and a Tacky Tours Gift Shop with a complete line of useless crap (each item emblazoned with Susan's personal tartan design in Galloway Red) will be housed in the museum. Despite their Bible-thumping and bestowing of endless blessings, those two ladies can really play hard ball."
"I might add that a previously overlooked source for red plastic tablecloths has finally been located on a remote island off the coast of Scotland, thought to have been occupied solely by the tech wizard, Dr. Jester Genius."
"The centerpiece of the museum, of course, is the display with the beige frock Susan wore at the Britain's Got Talent audition," RGIA continued. "While conducting a guided tour, we had a really scary moment when one SuBo fanatic touched Susan's dress and fainted." Weeping uncontrollably later, she said "This has been absolutely the greatest moment of my entire life. It was such a moving experience. It was like seeing the Holy Grail, entering Valhalla, it was like .... Oh, hell, it was better than an orgasm!"
"I think the most disappointing moment we have had in putting the museum project together," RGIA commented, "was when we realized that RedPandaBear2 had failed to submit the design for the statue of St. LeRetard the Humourless. It is my understanding that the DEA discovered she was raising marijuana plants hydroponically in her basement and she is currently under arrest."
Thanking RGIA for the extended interview, this reporter rushed to catch Dan-the-Cowboy-Man before his private jet took off for Manhattan. When questioned about the (unfounded) rumor that members of Team Purple had been seen in the area, Ol'Dan fumed, "Dang it, them there cotton-pickin' varmints ought to be dragged away by wild horses. Well, see y'all in Chicago on April 1."
And Elvis is still alive, the moon landing was a fake, real aliens are living in Area 52, and Team Purple will visit the Museum-For-All-Things-Susan.