Brits know less and less about Jesus and Bible, polls say

Funny story written by Frank Cotolo

Friday, 17 December 2004

image for Brits know less and less about Jesus and Bible, polls say
Jesus needs a PR man in England since polls show people know less about him than ever.

LONDON -- According to recent polls taken in Great Britain, Jesus is not as well known as would be expected, especially during the Christmas holiday.

The polls reveal that early a third of self-described Christians in Britain are unaware Jesus was born in Bethlehem.

"Most, in fact," said Perry Wippersmile, a poll official and part-time British postal worker, "said Jesus was from Nazareth or New Hampshire."

Also astonishing was that in the polls nearly a third were unaware Jesus was Jewish.

"Most responded that Jesus was a Christian," said Wippersmile, "even when we told them that he started Christianity, thus the name 'Christ.'"

While there was uncertainty over his ethnicity and
birthplace, a striking number of respondents in the
polls were aware of the events surrounding Jesus' death. A whopping 85 percent were able to identify the man on the crucifix as Jesus. Another 10 percent were not sure if Jesus died on a cross or in a boating accident.

More question in the poll indicated that people were not very Bible savvy. Asked who the first man was to appear in the Bible, a third of respondents said Moses, another third said they never heard of the name Adam and the final third thought Genesis was a plot gimmick in a Star Trek movie.

The highest scores in the polls were logged by people over the age of 50, the report said. A closer look at that statistic shows that the highest scores came from people over 50 who were bald, had chapped lips, ate heavy meals for dinner, drank a lot of wine, hated to be served fish sticks, enjoyed watching soccer, behaved badly at horse racing events, voted for the Labor Party candidates with their eyes closed and were married at least once but not more than three times, all with wives named Beatrice.

Professor E. Miles Rollacar said the studies were sad because "people are not reading the Bible with any regularity, no less daily. No matter one's religion, it is imperative that people at least know the characters of the stories in case they show up in a test to work for the government or on a quiz program."

A religious leader of the Catholic Church, who refused to be identified as Father Benedict Portrund, said he though it is "a shame that people are so bereft about the New Testament. I don't care that much about them knowing the old one, but really, it is Christmas and it would be nice if people knew something about the 'Christ' and less about the 'mas.'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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