London Grand Prix 2005

Funny story written by Rebut

Saturday, 2 October 2004

image for London Grand Prix 2005
Hurry up with my f*cking change!

With the demise of the Silverstone Grand Prix and the fear that Britain was losing it's Formula 1 race, we are thrilled to be able to cross to Sky's correspondent John James for a report on today's inaugeral London Grand Prix.

"London today is a city digesting what it means to have a Formula 1 Grand Prix. The organisers, who closed off streets to create the circuit will, in the main, be satisfied with the way it went, although I'm sure they'll avoid that corner in Oxford street next year.
While nobody is apportioning blame, that dry cleaner'll be closed for months".

"The Ferrari team were apparently very upset with the congestion charge motorists are required to pay. They said that Michael Schumacher had lost nearly 9 minutes while fishing for change and one team who had forgotten to give their drivers money, were forced to retire. Asked if this wasn't part of the charm of the London race, Schumacher replied by taking off his charm bracelet and expressing the hope that the organiser could swallow large items.."

"This however was not the major problem being experienced by the teams. That came from the 9 876 speed cameras dotted around the track. They were "trapping" drivers, every other second, going at anything between 4 and 6 times the speed limit."

"Due to the teams having to leave shortly after the race for the country of their next Grand Prix, London's finest were ready with their tickets as soon as the Grand Prix ended. Michael Schumacher nearly landed up punching one traffic officer who asked to see his licence."

"It was not so much the fines, albeit that you needed a calculator to get a balance, but the fact that almost all of the drivers were required to appear in court as a result of "excessive speeding, that caused major resentment. Not only having to appear but to have listen to judges berating them for driving like lunatics and endangering the public."

" Ralph Schumacher came in for particulrly harsh criticism and unless he can reverse the decision won't be able to drive until man colonises Mars. The judge told him - Sir, never in all my days as a judge have I had the misfortune of having before me a man who cares less about the safety of British roads...well there was that time when the Prime Minister's convoy decided to use the back streets..but I've said enough already... "

"Drivers also expressed anger with those 'f*cking idiots on the bicycles who unlike the cars, were able to get past the barriers. One idiot, Boris Johnson's name has been withheld upon request, even stopped in the middle of a road to study a map".

"While none of the drivers finished the race I'm sure they enjoyed it all the same. Reubens Barechello told me that if they return to this venue next year, he may not be able to make it because he has to watch the paint on his porch dry. Seems fair enough."

"Bernie Ecclestone was for the first time ever speechless. A spokesman did however confirm that the message was received loud and clear and they looked forward to Silverstone in 2006. Back to the studio".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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