Mr Kipling's "Exceedingly Sexy Wife"

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 26 February 2010

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Exceedingly old hat: a viewer enjoys a cuppa and a Mr Kipling cake yesterday

Britain's favourite cake character Mr Kipling is to unveil his wife to TV viewers for the first time in a controversial new advertising campaign.

Viewers have never seen Mr Kipling. His existence has only been known through the words of his friend in the adverts for the cakes that bear his name. "People think of him as a benevolent old buffer, an avuncular figure who supplies sweet and sticky pastries to the Nation", said spokesman Matt Mott-Chunt yesterday. "But we want to show that he is just like the rest of us: he has a dark side, but also wants to be healthy.

"We are bringing Mr Kipling into the 21st century", Matt Mott-Chunt said. "Good old Mr Kipling has sexual issues, and he has a hot dominatrix wife who keeps punishing him for baking all those sugary morsels, in an effort to get him to make healthier snacks."

It's hoped that Mr Kipling's new slimline range of Sexy Oatbakes will appeal to the modern appetite for sexual freedom and good nutrition.

Matt Mott-Chunt explained. "Viewers will witness his inner world and be introduced to an exciting range of naughty-but-body-friendly cakes. We think we can reach out to a wide-ranging demographic, from still-spicy pensioners and bored middle-class professionals, to the latest generation of kids who want to enjoy an adult sexuality as soon as they get to primary school.

"We're particularly excited about hitting the sex-addict sportsman target too", added Matt Mott-Chunt. "Mrs Kipling will play a pivotal role in all this."

Matt Mott-Chunt would not be drawn on the rumour that skeletal, damaged model Kate Moss, 47, is to play Mrs Kipling. Nor would he offer an opinion on the suitability of scary singer Amy Winehouse, 35, or matronly, authoritative former Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singelton, 29.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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