Written by St Patrick

Sunday, 7 March 2010

image for Local Midget will not take part in St. Patrick's Day Parade Celebrations
No to parade appearance

Local midget Ulick Magee, 32, has vowed not to take part in this years - or indeed, any further Saint Patrick's Day parades after last year being dressed like a leprechaun, then tied to the front of a articulated lorry and driven all around the area as people stumbled out from the pub and vomited on him.

After overhearing plans for this years event which included the words ' Ulick', ' Balloons' and 'showed up his arse', Mr. Magee made a formal declaration of his disinterest in taking part.

The local villagers have tried everything to encourage Ulick to change his mind but the moody little fecker has remained staunch in his decision.

A petition was drawn up with signatories from all around pleading for Ulick to reconsider.

The local schoolchildren even stopped beating him up on the streets and stealing his pocket money just to show how much his participation would mean to them.

"I'm not even Irish", Ulick told us, "I'm really Spanish. My real name is Pedro Lopez but they changed my passport, the bastards, and had me adopted by some drunken, toothless fools. I only came here on a back-packing holiday..."

Ulick/Pedro was supposed to be the centerpiece of the whole St. Patricks Day festival celebration which involves burning the homes of the local Chinese community and hunting for buried treasure at the ends of the rainbow.

The village's other Saint Patrick's Day festivities include burning a effigy of the Queen's of England, Norway and Holland.

"You can never be too sure about those protestant bastards", one old hag told us, "give them a chance and they'd take over the village and eat us - like Cromwell did!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Dwarfs, Parade




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