Susan Boyle, the Scottish lady with the wonderful voice is reported to have finally decided to move from her council house and has bought herself a mansion in the Scottish borders with easy access to Edinburgh Airport.
Fears over her safety have grown amid several security episodes at her Blackburn home.
"I have decided to relocate to stop the endless speculation of thae idiot fans aboot buying my wee council hoose" she said "not only for me but for my lovely neighbours who's lives has been plagued by those nosy journos and paps but also to help my fellow celebrities who have suffered at the hands of the UK media"
"I have invited John Terry and Ashley Cole to share my very large house with me but I have warned them, Nae hanky panky. I can sympathesise with them, I've suffered a bad press as well but any crap and I'll put my boot up their bums. If they want rumpy pumpy then they can look elsewhere and take the consequences."
"I dinna want any half baked, semi naked WAG's chasing up here for a free ride. Oops, free lunch, sorry, that wis a silly thing tae say. I'll bring my experts up fae the Priory to sort these two good and proper and they can train with my heroes Celtic FC. Nae drink, nae dolly burds, nane of these recreational drugs will be allowed. We'll hae some braw nights, I'll sing and we can get in some fish suppers"
The mansion is being fitted with the most high tech security systems, to keep intruders out, but also to keep the bad boy wanderers in.
Cheryl Cole is reported to be delighted and has offered Susan advice on all the tricks Ashley gets up to. The entire female population of Essex offered only a few words on John Terry, "Cut his goolies off".
