Hitler launches new 'miracle' weapon against Britain

Funny story written by matwil

Saturday, 9 January 2010

image for Hitler launches new 'miracle' weapon against Britain
Secret Fifth Column HQ

January, 1944. Belgium. The Third Reich's so-called 'miracle' weapons that have done so much damage and killed so many in the south-east of England - the V1 'doodlebug' flying bombs, and the V2 rockets - were added to today when the Germans launched a third one.

Wave after wave of snow and wind are being fired from moveable launching trucks into England from occupied Belgium.

Speaking from the Reichstag in Berlin, Adolf Hitler said: 'I warned the English what I would do to them if they bombed Deutschland with cult comedy sitcoms. I warned them not to interfere with the Reich's boring national soccer team's plans to win the World Cup - again. Now the schweins will pay as endless German snow and ice destroys England once and for all!'

The attacks came as a total surprise to the English people, and in many towns and cities people had to stop work to take cover from the weather, and the The Daily Mail quickly published Government advice about how to deal with the situation:

'A V1 rocket can be heard from afar by its characteristic sound of its engine, giving you time to take shelter.

'A V2 rocket can't, so there's not much point in worrying about it. The new German weather weapon can be spotted by the air getting colder for a few days first, then frost appearing. People should have plenty of warm clothing and food ready for any attack, something people have done here for the last 4,000 years.'

But there was disturbing news that a Fifth Column had been uncovered by the Government in London, spreading treacherous propaganda to weaken the British people and helping the German weapon to spread alarm and fear.

The traitors - the 'British Bleating Corps', or BBC - had produced hundreds of pamphlets and distributed them across London to urge people to 'take a day off work', or 'treat a trivial bit of snow as if it's the Black Death', and the Government was concerned that the outside world might get the impression from the BBC pamphlets that the British were struggling to even survive in the face of the weather attacks.

Prime Minister Winston Churchill said in the Commons: 'The British people will not succumb to this new weapon. Even today, when it's minus 22 Centigrade, teenagers are wandering around in their thin summer jackets. And we must not forget that most Britons have snow off and on for months on end in winter anyway, but just because it hits London all the press get excited about it. Try living in Cumbria or Argyll, Mr. Hitler!'

It is maybe fortunate that the Soviet Union are our allies in the war, if not then they might send over some really bad weather from Siberia to make the country really grind to a halt. But German weatherman Wernher von Braun appeared on the Reich's state television station to give the British an ominous warning.

'We will continue to send cold weather over to the United Kingdom until we have achieved total victory. Already thousands of people have become defeatist, and talk about nothing else but the arrival of the Fuhrer - or 'the Snowman', as they mysteriously call him.'

'When is the Snowman coming?', they ask one another in the bierkellers of Croydon. 'Will he walk in the air?, others say, over their breakfasts of bratwurst and hofflestofflen and steins of horse urine. And we have hundreds, maybe thousands, of BBC Fifth Columnists hard at work there undermining morale, spreading talk of 'low gas supplies' and 'grit rationing'. Victory will ours! Seig Heil!'

A heavy depression moved across the UK later on, and outbreaks of hot air were recorded in Shepherd's Bush.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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