Police budget cut by half a Billion Pounds

Funny story written by Mark Merton

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

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Tail, you are nicked

It has been announced quietly by the Home Office that the Police forces in England and Wales will have to reduce their cost by half a Billion Pounds within the next five years. Forces will have to come up with creative cuts in their spendings without impairing the overall security level in their regions.

The Home Office has also unveiled a contest of creative cost cutting proposals among the Police Forces, the winner of which will be rewarded by an increase of 1% in their yearly free biscuit budget.

Car chasing of a suspect will be put to a probability test before a chase would start. The officer in charge of the Panda car will flip a coin to decide on a chase. The chances are that, in the long run only half of the suspects will be chased. But taking into account the low rate of conviction following a car chase, this new exercise of flipping the coin would in fact reduce unnecessary car chases by a high margin.

Interview techniques will be developed to spend the minimum possible time with a suspect in the interview room. This would ensure a dramatic fall in the use of electricity for the room and for the tape. This would also reduce the amount of paper used for statements.

A simple question-and-answer method would be used instead of trying to dupe the suspect into confession. The only question would be "Did you do it, honest?" and this would be repeated only twice. The rest would be left to the Courts to sort out.

Police officers will no longer deal with people asking for directions. The cost cutting effect of this measure is not certain but it is believed that less contact with the people would generate less work and would therefore need a lower budget.

Scrapping the Police Forces altogether. This idea came from the Chief Constable of Wales but rejected outright by the Home Office as it was beyond the limits of the present contest. Sources close to the Home Secretary have admitted to our reporter that this proposal has been earmarked for the next contest.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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