A Federal Court of Appeals today set a stunning new precedent with their decision in the case of Mego-Mart, et al v. Doe. According to the unanimous ruling, official law enforcement powers, and, specifically, police arresting authority, are transferable from police officers to others via semen.
The case resulted from an incident in Plains, Georgia, where the girlfriend of a local police officer used her boyfriend's service tazer to "clear the line" during a busy Saturday at a Mego-Mart retail store. Police were called, and upon arrival, were informed by the police officer's girlfriend that several of the tazered customers and store personnel were under arrest, and instructed the officers to take them into custody for processing.
According to police reports, the girlfriend arrested the suspects on charges of "obstructing a police officer." According to the girlfriend, "The assailants infiltrated the other civilians in the action zone and caused a 302 disturbance by taking 11 items into the 10 items of less commerce passage. I was in the process of procuring police department provisions, namely a package of bologna for an officer's lunch. The imposition of the assailants eleventh item in the ten item lane posed a clear and present danger to my getting home on time to prepare his source of affordable sustenance. This delay could have posed a class one obstruction to a vital first responder's reaction time by his being hungry. Or, even worse, further delayed his official duties by forcing him to stop and buy a hamburger on his lunch."
Officers on the scene testified in Court that they made the arrests because the woman was "Jerry's girlfriend, and talked like a cop." Those arrested are now facing up to two years probation and a $5,000 fine.
In the Court's ruling, the Judges claimed the extension of policing powers via semen was a "logical progression of current trends in society," "Traditionally, transfers of semen have been used to obtain auto repair discounts, access to exclusive country clubs, and use of personal clothing such as coats and shirts. However, in recent years, it has become increasingly the norm for semen transfers to convey the same immunity from moving violations and minor traffic offenses all the way up to felonies committed against minorities previously only enjoyed by regular law enforcement," the ruling reads.
"Additionally," the ruling continues. "The defendant's actions in the retail store were entirely consistent with the provisions of the Patriot Act. Any actual police officer would have been justified in taking the same reasonable actions under the same circumstances as the defendant. The defendant's acting in accordance to the law, ability to ably operate a tazer, and her obvious grasp of police vernacular, leave the Court no choice other than conclude that this knowledge and information was transferred to her via the semen of her boyfriend, a police officer. This Court rules that the transfer of official law enforcement authority is a fiat accompli, and should be recognized by the legal system."
Insiders at the Court of Appeals denied police pressure had anything to do with the ruling. Allegations of police stopping judges to "check their turn signals," and inquiries of "I wonder if your furnace is vented to code," were entirely coincidental.
Several police officers were asked if the transfer of semen was a common practice among law enforcement. One Ohio State Trooper replied, "Well... All you have to ask is if I'm dating her. Well, then you know she's packed full of my semen, and so's her sister, too. Maybe even her mom. He, he, he. Yeah, I get around." He added his intentions were to "deputize" as many women was he could at a local pub to help alleviate a serious shortage of troopers brought on by the economic crisis., "Oh yeah, guess who's the popular guy, now?" he concluded.
Even veteran law enforcement expressed enthusiasm for the ruling. "I was drunked up one night and ran over three kids in the projects with my squad car," said one 20 year officer. "I just got a slap on the wrist because the kids were all black and were probably doing drugs or something. But, I have always been haunted by that moment... What if it had been my wife and not me who killed those kids. It's nice to know that my wife doesn't have to obey stop signs at night anymore."
Ms. Doe, the victorious defendant in the case, plans to use her newly authorized authority to harass her neighbors and attain a higher social status among her circle of friends.