Sandy Balls, Hampshire - A man named Sandy Balls, coincidentally of Sandy Balls, Hampshire, has been found dead after choking on his own phlegm. Witnesses described the event as heart wrenching, a sad ending to an enigmatic career as the town crier and village idiot.
Sandy Balls was described by many as a strange individual who would spend his days standing, alone on a hill. Said one resident, Percy Vaughan, "Nobody seemed to like him. You could see he was just a fool. You'd ask him a question like, "Oy Sandy, how's the weather?..or 'Oy Sandy, Anything on tele? but he never seemed to give an answer."
"Then somedays," said local barman Reg Stout, "...you could never get a word in edgewise. He'd just drone on and on about the state of the world, well on the way, his head in the clouds - the man of a thousand voices was speaking perfectly loud."
One lady, Dorothy Blancmange, who was particularly close to Mr. Balls concluded, "...well you know, people would try to be pleasant and neighbourly like, but in the end he would never listen. He knew that they were the fools. They didn't like him, the fool on the hill."
"In the end, though, he choked on his own phlegm after a rather large lager. You could tell that he saw the sun going down and the eyes in his head saw the world spinning round."
Funeral arrangements to follow, once the vicar returns from holiday in Majorca.