Bernard Matthews Arrested on Bestiality Charge

Funny story written by JP Johnston

Friday, 19 June 2009


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Bernard Matthews Arrested on Bestiality Charge
Plucky witness

Norfolk, England - Bernard Matthews appeared before magistrates this afternoon after he was arrested at his Norfolk home in a dawn raid by Police and RSPCA officers. It follows an investigation lasting several years into the origin of "Bernard Matthews' Turkey Ham", a low-fat ham substitute made from Turkey.

He pled guilty to eight hundred and ninety two specimen charges of unlawful sex with animals, after it was revealed he had been interfering with poultry on his famous Norfolk turkey farms.

In court, despite being asked repeatedly to keep his remarks to "guilty or not guilty" Mr Matthews said, "You don't understand. It's bootiful. Bootiful. And how did you think we got turkey to taste like ham? T'aint nacheral, but it's bootiful."

A spokesman for the RSPCA said, "We are glad Mr Matthews has finally been apprehended. We don't understand how anyone could... treat a turkey this way. Perhaps the occasional gobble, but not this."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more