London - (Brain-Dead Nazi Mess): After suffering severe withdrawal symptoms from Prince Charles's organic homegrown alternative herbal tobacco the Queen was discovered in a permanent vegetative state this morning in a Buckingham Palace allotment.
Paramedics administered emergency first aid in the form of a vegetable patch on her arm - similar to that used to quell nicotine withdrawal.
But Old Queenie has remained as stalwartly brain-dead as can be expected given the rubbish that has gone into her stand-up routine.
Palace accountants have warned there'll be hell to pay for unless she perks up enough by Tuesday morning to warrant being propped up in the royal landau for the customary lap of honor down Royal Ascot's furlong run-in.
A final demand from royal bankers Cuntts & Co has put her overdraft at around £100 million excluding her Bernard Madoff ponzi scam debts.
And an official life insurance policy is so mortgaged up to the hilt with IOUs it will make Madoff's foray into global bankruptcy seem like a trifling credit card debt.
Camilla has just taken delivery of some curare poison and half a dozen organically-grown blowpipes.