Parliament closed by HM the Queen

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

image for Parliament closed by HM the Queen
The Trough of Gravy

As the farce of seemingly endless MPs - who never seem to do anything except steal and make loud noises on a Wednesday - being suspended and downgraded from Ministerial posts, but basically keeping their jobs after been caught thieving and lying, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, the UK's head of state, finally lost her patience, and decided to use her ancient powers to close Parliament.

To great cheers from hundreds of thousands of people in central London, she said: 'We simply could not stand by and see the Mother of Democracy be so abused as to make it a laughing stock to the British people. We know that we are a constitutional monarch, but when Parliament continually ridicules the constitution itself, we had to be firm. We will now make the decisions on behalf of our subjects, and our first one is to instantly withdraw all of our soldiers from the illegal war in Afghanistan.'

And waiting for the cheering to die down, she continued: 'Secondly, your taxes will no longer be used to fund Parl-i-ament, so you will all become wealthier, and you won't even notice that we have closed that monstrous carbuncle down, as it never does anything worthwhile anyway. Thirdly, we will now change the inheritance rules, so if we decide to retire at the age of 120 our daughter will become Queen Anne', which caused instant applause from the crowd, 'as we know how much you dislike our ridiculous sons.'

'And larst but not least, me old china plates, we declare today - the third of June - will become National Mockney Day, so let's get the whistles aht, and dahn the rub a dub dubs for a couple of pints of cods', then it's orf for a ruby and a few swift glarses of Vera Lynn!', and at that the crowd - made up almost entirely of American tourists - reached for their Cockney rhyming slang translation books in silence.

As soldiers evicted the last few drunken MPs from the House of Commons, and shot the last few drunken Lords in the House of Lords, all 'Hear, hear!'-ing to the end, the long-suffering British people heaved a huge sigh of relief, now that the parasites of Parliament had been got rid of. Not all were happy, though.

Prince Charles was seen crying in his organic greenhouse, Gordon Brown was seen still impersonating a lizard, and Margaret Thatcher was heard muttering 'that old bat STILL has more power than I ever had, blast her!' Princess Anne was in a rather good mood, though.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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