A chauffeur was suspended today by Buckingham Palace, after claiming to have had access to highly sensitive facts about the personal lives of a female member of the Royal Family, and leaking them to the press.
Charles Windsinghor, aged something, allegedly took reporters to the Palace, where he told them about his former wife, Lady Diana Clothes-Horse, and her personal habits.
'She, um, you know, she used to eat cheese and onion sandwiches all the time, bloomin' weird! And kept falling down the stairs after a few glasses of Chateau de Chat Pis. Well, who wouldn't, I think Granny used to add embalming fluid to it, to spice it up a bit.'
Some have suggested that the chauffeur was being dishonourable, by telling the media about his ex-wife's personal life, others that it was just rather pathetic. Daily Maul reporter Sir Hermann Snickelgruber said:
'Well, we can live off Mr Windsinghor's revelations for at least ten years, and there's plenty more to come. Like what colour of cheese Lady Diana liked to put in her sandwiches, what colour of bread she used to eat, how many hundreds of pairs of shoes she kept in the Royal Shoe Cellar, and what her favourite smell was. The Maul is Britain's best -'
But Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, looking like she will live until she's about 140, was not amused by the chauffeur's indiscretions. 'We are not amused', she said, sipping a Bombay Sapphire and gin, with extra gin.
'Mr Windsinghor has broken all of our Royal rules of protocol, he has breached his contract of employment, and he's acted like an immature little boy, with no experience of the real world. At least me and me Mum had a larf at the races, we used to whack back the champers and get the bets on the geegees down faster than a Labour MP can fiddle his expenses account! Slainte mhath!'
Mr Windsinghor himself said: 'Look, er, haha, um, well. I mean, dashed unsporting of our esteemed and glorious leader, what? It was actually her who told me to tell the press all about Lady Diana Clothes-Horse's personal stuff, and now she goes and sacks me! Now my sister Anne will take over as chauffeur, to drive the old bat around.'
'The public's always preferred Anne to me, I hate her, I hate her!', and he stormed out of the room into the mouth of a tiger he'd accidentally shot dead in India, when he'd been leafing through his World Wildlife Fund booklet, and pulled the trigger by mistake at coincidentally the exact same second as the tiger rolled over beside him, and started playing with a ball of wool.
Prince Philip and Nick Griffin were playing billiards in the Palace's Hall of Brown Shirts, Prince Andrew was teaching a maid how to play topless darts, and Prince Edward was avoiding the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland in Edinburgh.
Lady Diana Clothes-Horse is available for any cheap self-publicising events - weddings, funerals, barmitzvahs, kissing chimpanzees, and driving taxis in Paris.
