House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin, under mounting pressure to quit his post, lived up to his "Gorbals Mick" nickname by headbutting a Tory backbencher during a furious debate on the expenses scandal.
Rupert Farquahar, MP for Upper Rimming in the Cotswolds, was left bruised and bleeding following the unprovoked attack by the demented Martin.
"The Speaker lost the plot completely," observed a shocked Usher. "Mr. Farquahar has a rather plummy way of talking, and this clearly enraged Michael. He thinks all Tories are stuck-up snobs who need a good slap anyway. When Mr. Faquahar made some passing reference to Rangers beating Celtic at the weekend, it was the last straw."
His face purple with rage, and flecks of spittle flying around the Chamber, Martin launched himself at the bemused MP, screeching "See you, pal! Diz ya mother sew? Then get her tae stitch this, ya great Sassenach numpty!"
Delivering the headbutt, he then turned on his own clerks, offering a "Glasgow kiss" to anyone who intervened. Chief Whip Nick Brown tried to calm Mr. Martin but was instead invited out to the car park. "I'll fecking sort you oot, too, ya big bum-bandit!" shrieked the Speaker.
Mr. Martin was eventually subdued with the aid of elephant tranquillisers and led away to a padded cell under the Terrace.
A spokesman for the Speaker's Office denied any wrong-doing on Mr. Martin's part.
"The Speaker slipped while leaning towards the Member to deliver a point of order. His head inadvertently struck Mr. Farquahar right between the eyes, leaving him concussed. I hope the matter is now closed but if any Tory ponce wants to make something of it, there's more where that came from!"
David Cameron, who was found hiding beneath Theresa May during the fracas, commented: "The last thing Parliament needs at the moment is fisticuffs in the Chamber, but if he acts like that again we're going to set Ann Widdecombe on him, and that won't be pleasant."
