Sharp Upturn in DIY Sector Lifts Retail Hopes

Funny story written by Dungeekin

Friday, 15 May 2009

The markets have been encouraged today following a sharp upturn in retail hardware sales reported by B&Q and Homebase.

A spokesman for the retail consortium BodgitFixit Group reported that since last Monday, when the Daily Telegraph began releasing its figures on MPs expenses, sales had risen by a staggering 86.3%.

The spokesman said, "we have seen an unprecedented increase in sales across a wide range of products. The primary increases were in garden pitchforks, firelighters, pre-cut timber and high-strength wire. We're not sure about the precise reason for the increase in these products alone, but our marketers are working on promotions to increase sales further".

Sales of the above goods were said to be highest in Dewsbury, Redditch, Normanton and Bracknell, though sales had increased across stores in 642 other areas as well.

In a separate but related development, hardware retailer Nailemup Direct has launched a new 'DIY Romanian Dictator Kit', which includes many of the products already seeing sales growth along with a flat-pack gallows and a copy of Hansard. The pack is initially to be trialled in the Kirkcaldy and Glasgow North East areas before a national roll-out.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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