London - Following two weeks of torture, celebrity chef sackings and viewer votes, a winner was finally announced on the latest series of Hell's Kitchen. Following a tense cook off involving such culinary delicacies as fried egg on toast, jam butties, and corn flakes, the winner emerged victorious.
Step forward Joan Collins, star of Dynasty and some trashy 70's Brit skinflicks. The 89 year old geriatric sex symbol accepted a bunch of flowers from Prince Charles before being led off set for her medication.
Runner-up Rik Mayall, off The Young Ones, Filthy Rich and Catflap, Bottom, and The New Statesman among others was graceful in defeat.
"I'll strangle the old cow!" he roared.
Other contestants included former Liverpool goalkeeper from South Africa, Peter Schmeichel, a couple of pop tarts, husband and wife team Fern Britton and Jamie Oliver, and Gary Lineker's girlfriend whose name escapes us.
Master of Ceremonies and Head Chef Gordon Ramsay described this year's contestants as: "Absolute shit. The dregs of humanity." As he does. Although we here at confusednews.com don't necessarily agree.
More as we get it