Sir Alex Ferguson was today reportedly spitting feathers following Manchester United's failed bid to sign up Lindsay Lohan. Who nobody this side of the Atlantic has ever heard of.
But who apparently has a huge lesbian following stateside.
"When I heard she'd had a break up, I sympathised," Sir Alex told us. "So I tried to sign her as a back up for Nemanja Vidic, scoring from corners and intimidating full backs, but sadly twas not to be. Her agent informed us that she was otherwise occupied keeping impressionable teens in raptures.
"We cannae compete with that. Maybe Rafa can coax her in, but he'd better be prepared for another Beckham scenario."
British football mourns its sad loss.
More as we get it