After two months in office, Barack Obama has finished "pimping out his crib." The extensive remodeling of the White House is now complete and the First Lady gave a pool of reporters a tour of the second floor this week.
Michelle Obama met with five reporters chosen by lottery to tour the refurbished Presidential Home. They were Ralph Eddings of ABC, John Fitzpatrick of CNN, Bart Jennings of CNBC, Robert Winter-Smythe off the BBC, and Hal A. Peno of Spoof Magazine.
Michelle said that she was most proud of the Lincoln Bedroom. "We often view Abraham Lincoln as the man who freed the slaves. Because of that slavery and freedom, Barack and I decided to make this our bondage room." Chains and handcuffs are attached to the bed, along with leather thongs and silk ropes. Hung from the walls are various devices for torture, including whips, chains, a cat of nine tails, and a mace.
The White House State Room, where presidential dinners were often held, has been converted to an indoor basketball court. The baskets, however, are at the height of eight feet and not ten. "My husband will not admit it, but he's never been able to dunk. With the baskets lowered, now he can feel like a real brother."
One other notable change is the removal of all of the portraits of former President's and First Ladies. Instead, pictures of the current president now fill all of those frames.
The Oval Office, main presidential office of the Head of State, now contains a pinball machine and a video game of Ms. Pacman. "The pinball is for me," said Michelle. "Barry just loves playing Ms. Pacman."
The White House situation room now contains purple carpet, purple wall coverings, and a mirrored disco ball hanging from the ceiling. "Ain't nobody gonna mess with us, so we made this our family party and hang out place. We're putting a wet bar in that corner, but the plumbing ain't done yet."
The bowling alley in the White House basement has also been removed. "My husband couldn't stand the game, so he donated that lane to all of the retards at the Special Olympics. We're probably giving that area to the girls for a playroom."
Outside, the Rose Garden has been replaced with the White House Watermelon Patch. "We also plan on replacing that stupid egg roll with a seed spitting contest," said Michelle.
Back inside, the former Roosevelt Room has now been converted into a throne room. "My husband plans on having his coronation here and getting rid of those stupid, expensive elections. Since he's got you media people so far up his ass that only your shoelaces hang out, I'm sure you'll put a positive spin on that."
Yes, the new President really has taken the Executive Mansion and made it his own!