A national monument to the Queen Mother is due to be opened by the Queen, the Buckingham Gin Palace distillery. Three generations of the Royal family will join Her Majesty for the ceremony in London, and it has been funded by the sale of £5 no-deposit quarter bottles of Bombay Sapphire.
Distillery architect Sir Gordon Plymouth said he wanted the building to catch the Queen Mother's sense of fun, and so it is in the shape of a giant cut-glass tumbler, with a huge plastic slice of lemon on the roof. 'Most people knew her as a bit of a girl, and a bit of a tippler, and in fact just a typical Scot who liked a good bevvy, so this would make her laugh.'
'Though we drew the line at installing a race track around the distillery's perimeter, as the Health and Safety executive might not approve of the staff spending all day gambling and drinking gin, and especially not gambling our gin.'
The last time the Queen opened a Royal memorial - the Diana Puddle - it was laughed at in good measure. The Puddle opened in 2004, but closed a month later when people realised it was just a bit of concrete slabbing with some rainwater in it, and was costing the Royal family too much to pay for someone to clean the leaves out of it once a month. But the new distillery is expected to be a popular attraction, especially among Japanese tourists, visiting Royal relations, and of course Scottish football fans.
But Prince Charles wasn't pleased about the new monument. 'Why, er, it's monstrous!', he said, 'Grannie would have hated this carbuncle. She would have criticised its modern, hideous and tastless architecture, and, um, you know, she would never have -'
'Oh shut up!', his mum snapped at him, 'she would have loved it, and so will I when I go with Anne for the official Royal let's-get-blathered-on-g-and-t's opening ceremony this evening! Away and play in the carriages, or go and talk to the flowers or something, and let us grown-ups get a good party going.' 'Right on, Gran!', Prince Harry shouted in agreement, and the three of them headed off to the distillery, leaving Prince Charles to talk to a passing wallfower.
'Schhhhh', the plant said to him, as he told it about the evils of gambling and alcohol. 'Schhhhh?' 'You know who ...'
