You Can't Eat That! - Employers to Police your lunchbox

Funny story written by General Payne

Sunday, 4 January 2009

In a joint operation, the first ever of its kind, DEFRA, and the NHS along with the Food Standards Agency and the Health and Safety Executive are about to unveil their latest barmy plans.

A a time when the credit crunch is crippling UK businesses, employers will have to assess their staff's nutritional requirements for the actual job that they do within the organisation and then take steps to ensure that workers are eating the right food and calorie requirements for their job. Managers will have to spot check lunch boxes and confiscate any food items that are deemed as unhealthy. Staff who use canteens will be given a menu that they can choose from. Firms will also have to provide training on healthy eating, supply suitable fitness equipment for staff to use and write into Employment Contracts that they must exercise every day or lose their job.

A spokeswoman for the Department of Fisheries and Rutal Affairs confirmed that a leaked memo from minister Joan Ruddock will become a statutory requirement for all employers from March 2nd.

The spokeswoman said that with obesity levels in the UK rising there is a ticking timebomb of heart disease, diabetes and other associated illnesses that will bring the National Health Service and the country to it's knees by the year 2030. She said that "British children are more unhealthy now than at any other time in modern history and desperate measures must be introduced to combat the situation if the UK is to avoid becoming the sick man of the world".

The regulations will mean that all companies will have to have an independent assessment of the nutritional requirements of each and every job that their members of staff perform and draw up a menu of suitable food items that they are permitted to eat so that they get enough calories and carbohydrates to do their job properly but not too many so that they get fat.

Incredibly when we spoke to Richard Lambert the head of the employers organisation the CBI, he was not aware of it. Initially he said that it was too early for April Fools but rang us back later to say that he had spoken to the DTI Minister who had been confirmed it. He lambasted the new rules as ludicrous, un-affordable and unworkable. He said that he had not had time to look at the full implications but that on the face of it this was the last straw. He said he was "sick to death of this f-----g Government". "I am buying a villa in the south of France to get away from this mad S---hole" Then the phoned slammed down and did not answer when we called back.

Ms Ruddock was unavailable for comment. Her secretary said that this was supposed to be top secret but a statement will be now issued in the commons tomorrow.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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