Written by IainB

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

image for Grisly Risley gets seal of approval

When news broke of the problems at Risley jail, near Warrington in Cheshire (UK), the home office saw an opportunity.

The category 'C' training prison (they train people to be prisoners) was investigated in 2007, and the report released this week highlighted a binge drinking culture with inmates making their own alcohol.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith told the only reporter who bothered to turn up that this was an opportunity not to be missed.

"In the middle ages monks would make alcohol," she said, pointing at a Powerpoint slide showing a picture of a drunk monk. "This was a great money spinner for the monasteries. I believe that with the many similarities between modern-day prisons and dark-age monasteries, such as the restricted life style and sleeping in cells, that we could bring this traditional brewing into the modern age."

The Right Honourable Smith changes slides to show an stereotypical American hillbilly. "We have decided that instead of shutting down the illegal stills that we scale the operation up to the next level. Risley will be producing a potato-based beverage that we will be calling Grisly Risley in honour of the nickname of the prison.

"This 95% proof spirit will be sold in bars around the country, and the money raised will be ploughed back into the prison system reducing the overheads. This should allow us to set up more prison based breweries.

"Given the established connection between alcohol and crime, we should be able to go ahead with Warrington's latest super-max brewery off the proceeds, and fill it with the people who drank the stuff. There is no down side."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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