Forget about gay members of the clergy, women bishops and vergers paying too much attention to their choirboys - this morning's Bishop's conference got off to a cracking, showbiz-style start.
Our on-the-spot religious editor (he's the one from the office who goes to church at least once a year), Jamie Bolleaux, informs us:
"It was quite spectacular this morning. We were all expecting a boring drone from the Archbishop of Canterbury, followed by a dull liturgy from the Bishop of Canberra, followed by a sleep-inducing recommendation from the Bishop of Ontario, followed by an even more laborious statement from the Bishop of Jerusalem.
"But no. We were all in for a surprise and shock.
"Sharon Osborne stepped on to the stage, followed by her husband Ozzy, who fell off the stage. She invited the senior Bishops onto the stage and started proceedings by leading them in a rousing rendition of "the Lambeth Walk".
"Then Simon Cowell took the stage to introduce "Britain's Got Cassocks" in celebration of the fantastic clothes bishops can wear in public without fear of a jail sentence.
"Ozzy then climbed back on the stage and was joined by his fellow pensioners from Black Sabbath to give a rousing, heavy-metal version of some favourite hymns. There were also guest appearances from some major rock celebrities, including Alice Cooper, Johnny Rotten, Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Marilyn, Iggy Pop and Aled Jones.
"This had the bishops rocking in the isles.
"Altogether an amazing event putting the 'lig' back into religion."
According to the Archbishop of Bognor Regis, the only thing missing was "Charlotte Church in an unfit state of undress".
