Secret plans to set up an Islamic state in Scotland were planned by 2 jihad supporters, a court heard today. Imran Unis and Waqar Khan said that the only problem was a lack of weapons, and then they would take on 'non-believers, once and for all.'
As spectators burst out laughing in the Glasgow court, one of the two deluded Englishmen said: 'Yes, we were going to do something that the mighty all-conquering English have failed to do in a thousand years, and take over Scotland! Er, I mean, honest, we were!' And his co-defendant, waving a baby's rattle, added: 'Them Scots would have been too easy, mate, we can't even have any influence in England, so what else could be more logical than trying it on against the only people on Earth that scare the English?'
A pitched battle broke out in the street outside, as a few local Rangers fans met a few Celtic ones, and 11 policemen were taken to hospital in the ensuing fracas, but Mr Unis continued, trying to make anyone care: 'Of course it was jihad! That's why we didn't attack anyone, we didn't want a bad case of Delhi belly!'
When the prosecuting lawyer, Mr Tim Molloy, pointed out that worse events happen all across the city every weekend than a few petrol bombs being thrown, he was felled by a kung fu-style kick by defence soliticitor, Senga O'Leary, who had to restrained by court officials, and the Judge and a press reporter came to blows over whose turn it was to get the teas in. But Mr Unis bravely shouted: 'It was jihad! Was, was, was!', as this Spoof reporter was hit by an empty Glen's vodka bottle, thrown by a female member of the jury for 'looking at me in a funny way, pal!'
Soon the girls in the jury were rolling around on the floor in a massive wrestling match, only with no rules, and a hitman burst into the court to shoot a witness 4 times in the head, for 'telling lies about my mum, son', before being arrested by passing police officers, all scratched and bruised from meeting the football fans.
Officials had to take the 2 defendants away, 'until this wee bit of trouble dies down', and glaziers, joiners, paramedics and plastic surgeons were all rubbing their hands at this latest trivial outbreak of courtroom violence, in probably the toughest city in the world.
Kenny Dalglish was unavailable for comment - mebbe, mebbe no'.