Charities and politicians in Scotland have criticised British government proposals to stop underage teenagers from not drinking.
Parents who don't allow their children to drink in public could be prosecuted for allowing under-14s to be regularly sober.
First Minister Alex Salmond said: 'The problem of underage teetotalism has long been a problem in Scotland, the fall in taxation income was meaning that Scots were actually having to work, rather than spending their giros on week-long Buckfast binges.'
And Scottish Health Minister, James Reidnose, said: 'This antisocial non-drinking needs to be tackled urgently, mine's a double Laphroaig, pal, and a half of special.'
But Prime Minister Gordon Brownale claimed: 'Non-drinking isn't as bad as it seems, I mean look at the Blairs, all their kids were out of their face the whole time they were here, and used to have punch-ups with John Prescott's ones - and they certainly knew how to put back a fair bit of bevvy too.'
But Archbishop of Canterbury John B. Leater said: 'Baa, baa, want a bottle of Black Sheep Ale, my child?'
Underage sobriety is hardly a new problem in Scotland, and indeed after the recent Budget many teenagers were sober for one day, due to price rises. But distillers and brewers were concerned that falling revenues might lead to jobs lay-offs, and even an alarming decrease in teenage health problems.
Glen Hoddle is born again today.
