In the first of many expected monthly reshuffles as a result of the recent local elections, the MP for Little Wittering, Wilma Leggrobach, has been appointed Secretary of State for Stealth Taxes.
A former back bencher, so called because she always faced the wrong way during debates, Mrs Leggrobach will be responsible for maintaining the momentum for government to be more transparent in its operation. Her job, and she has decided to accept it Jim, is to work closely with accredited bodies such as the Mafia, Triads, the IRA and Hamas to find more efficient ways to extricate money from the public.
However, unlike previous established stealth taxes, she will clearly set out, in as many words as possible, the rationale as to why existing tax collection methods are not working. She read out, in a very convincing manner, a statement written for her by a £1500 a day retained consultant from DeyConDeGovt & Co. In it she said:
"Some people seem to be of the opinion that the government collect taxes at every available opportunity.
"Well, of course we do. How else do you think we can pay for crappy PFI initiatives, EDS, Capita outsourcing, the Dome, the Olympics and Sir John Borne and his wife of the NAO?
"I am looking into other viable opportunities to collect money for the government. For example, I will be working with Triads in London examining extortion, whereby we can encourage retailers to pay more tax. If they don't, we have a register of approved window replacement specialists they may care to draw from.
"I also have plans to work more closely with journalists from the Sun and the Star on their sales of photographs of celebrities in compromising positions they (the celebrities) may care to prevent, for a small taxable fee, in having published, especially if they are royal."