Tories should be more like vampires, says Willetts

Funny story written by cheesehoven

Thursday, 21 February 2008

image for Tories should be more like vampires, says Willetts
Jayne Smith - Tory MP for Dunny-on-the-wold

With a keynote speech to the London School of Economics, shadow secretary for innovation, David Willetts - a man charged by the party with the unenviable task of its intellectual renewal - has finally found his big idea: the Conservative party should adopt aspects of vampirism to appeal to the electorate.

"I can envision a time, " He said on an interview on Radio 4 shortly before the speech, "when politicians, instead of kissing babies at elections, will instead sacrifice them to Lucifer."

His interesting proposals, which include parliament meeting only at night, candidates being selected on account of the amount of blood they can consume and various changes to the law to give equal rights to the undead, have been greeted cautiously by party members.

This is not the first time the Tories have flirted with vampirism. A former leader of the party was Dracula, who was appointed unopposed in 2001 after a goat-slaughtering ceremony. Unfortunately, his policies and lack of reflection failed to win over the British public and he was hastily dispatched with a stake through the heart after the last election.

It is rumoured that Margaret Thatcher too, had occult leanings and would meet with her cabinet to suck the blood out of junior MPs. It is perhaps to this more joyful period of Conservativism that Willetts is referring when he speaks about "sacrificing to Beelzebub" and making "dancing around the head of Baphomet a new national pastime" and it becoming " as English as cricket".

Whether or not these policies draw the Conservatives out of its intellectual wilderness, time will tell.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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