New Scotland Yard - (Ass Mess): The Metropolitan Police Serious and Organsied Crime Agency was having the last laugh tonight as ex-Prime Monster Tony Blair, his bagman Lord Levy, his blood-sister Ruth Turner and Chris 'Bung' Evans celebrate being cleared in the Cash-for-Honors probe after CPS lawyers chickened out from indicting the mobster cartel on compassionate grounds and succumbed to a pre-trial full pardon ordered by George W Bush.
"The investigation was always a full-scale cover-story," Fraud Office sources said today.
"We didn't want to appear like we'd found out too much about the cosy arrangements the IRA put in place to get their men inside the Lords.
"So we gambled on the one sure cert that the CPS would never having the balls to put those mobsters on trial for peerage floggin.
"Because, let's face it, you'd need to bust Charles and Camilla first.
"And that's won't happen while Old Fatty Mountbatten is still sitting on the Puppet Throne being spoon-fed Saudi petro-dollars to continue the pretence of being King George VI's eldest daughter."
And at his North London Moorish-style bijou hacienda tonight Lord Levy was swigging back the newly-released 1996 vintage Krug at £350 a pop while his racket partner Tory Blair congratulated himself on the ruse of getting former Saudi ambassador to the USA Prince Bandar to pay off the Crown Prosecution Service lawyers who had been protecting them for the last five years.
"They'll never take me alive!" cooed Blair as Cherie patted herself on the back for ensuring that the CPS would dismiss the evidence that will eventually send her and her husband to the gallows at Tyburn on treason charges.
But for the moment tonight, the party is in full swing.
