Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 16 June 2007

image for "My Wife's Ghost Is Police Informant" Claims Barrymore
Barrymore's undead wife (artist's impression)

The ghost of Michael Barrymore's dead wife Cheryl is acting as a police informant, claims the under-pressure deviant.

Cheryl Barrymore, divorced the star in 1997, and died on April Fools' Day in 2005, but knows all about her ex-husband's involvement in the death of meat inspector Stuart Lubbock, says Barrymore.

Barrymore claims to have "had dreams" in which his wife appears dressed as a police officer, and tells him that she is going to "grass" him up. The two had an acrimonious split due mainly to Cheryl being unable to understand or come to terms with, her husband's liking for male genitalia, and its insertion into his back passage.

Now, it seems, the pressure is getting to the ex-Strike It Lucky host, and his plot is fast becoming lost.

A "friend" of Barrymore, who did not wish to be named, said:

"He believes Cheryl is out to get him. He thinks she is wandering around the ether gathering evidence, and helping the police compile their case against him. She has been 'speaking to witnesses from the other side'. He's a real fruitcake."

Sir Trevor McDonald, who was once serenaded by Barrymore in front of 5 million disbelieving TV viewers, said:

"Lock the bastard up and throw away the key!"

Barrymore, however, was last night released without charge by Essex Police, although a spokesman did say they would be keeping an eye on him.

Sgt Queerbasher of Essex Police said:

"We had to let him go. He wouldn't stop singing in that 'drunken club singer' way. The other prisoners were complaining. It was unbearable!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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