Roald Dahl wrote words in his time that are not in this time.
To all writers everywhere, please stop writing. You are being offensive to the future, and the future is more important than your present.
Did you use the word “the”? In the very NEAR future (say 10 years), the word “the” shall be deemed offensive. It is a definite article. Why definite? Who decides what it definite and not definite? You? Don’t make me laugh, writer! You don’t decide – we do!
And who is we? You’d like to know, wouldn’t you? We’re not telling. We hold all forms of morality in our palms, and you will never be able to pry open our claws. “Palms” is offensive to non-palm trees, and claws are sexist, assuming women only are capable of having claws (feline-esque, whereas males are dogs), and even though no one said this, it will be assumed to have been said.
All will be assumptions in the future. If we cannot assume, then we cannot pretend to know, or pretend to not know the known or unknowable, and whether or not the future is now or later.
Make sense? No. Then YOU are the terrorist, not we. Have I just self-censored? The future will decide who I am today, because today I am clearly too prejudiced to know the future, but the future can always know – and judge – me.
If you did not understand any of this, good. This will be the future of literature and the very act of speaking, reading, and/or writing. Until then, stop doing all three and we will love you. You want to be loved, don’t you? Then obedience and submission is the first step towards love. Because we said so.
Collect all of Dahl’s books in their original form NOW, because they’ll be worth a lot of money in the future – unless, instead, they will get you arrested for possessing forbidden words.
The current year is 1001 B.C.
PS: Augustus Gloop was a fat fuck!
