Brexit Class War 101

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Wednesday, 8 June 2022

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Which Way Lies the Return to Empire?

The British are one of the most class-conscious countries in the world. It was why Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels wrote The Communist Manifesto in London, England. They thought the Brits would be the first nation to embrace this “new” communism.

(Which has been around since the dawn of man – as soon as one caveman says he’s king or, better yet, he speaks to God, and thus, a priest, then he becomes the ruler and all others have to obey him. And that’s politics in a nutshell. And religion too, the bedfellow of politics who always hogs the blankets.)

I once went to Scotland and had a Scottish pound in my pocket. Didn’t know there were different pounds: Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh. Silly me, I left Glasgow and headed to south England and bought some postcards. The elderly man and woman in the shop looked suspiciously at the pound coin with a thistle on it, but I guessed they assumed, since I was buying postcards, that I was a foreigner who didn’t know any better. No, I didn’t, I thought all British money was ... well, British money. Silly foreigner!

I don’t know what Brexit is, and I don’t care. But I’ll make a guess. (I thought at first it was that mining scam in the 1990s – Bre-X. Remember that? I was amazed that an entire country sank its funds into a fake gold mine.)

Britain once had the most powerful Empire on the planet. But then a tiny crazy Austrian man started dropping V2 rockets on the capital of this empire, and that ended that. A fucking midget Austrian with an ugly moustache ended the British Empire – what the serious fuck? That wasn’t played-out on the fields of Eton! That’s not cricket! (The spitfires were useless, let’s face it, they didn’t win anything.)

Britain had to pay America for a bail-out, and for fresh troops. They had to give up a ton of the countries where they had invaded and butchered the locals. Mostly in Africa, of course. They kept Diego Garcia so they could keep eyes on India.

Speaking of which: India is probably more of a class system than Britain, and has been one for longer. I think the British invaded India ‘cuz they were so impressed by the caste system, they were jealous! That’s sad and sick ... oh, but at least they tried to get rid of bride burning – barbaric ... if Britain doesn’t do it, then it’s wrong! (How many wives lost their heads to Henry 8? That we know of.)

The right want the Empire to return, the left are looking forward not backward, and realize that Britain is JUST AN ISLAND NATION, like other European nations. Compare Britain to, say, Portugal? Or Liechtenstein, Andorra, Greece, Cyprus?

COMPARE? A dirty word, that.

(The reason why neither the Portuguese nor the British were ever able to conquer Japan is because it, too, is an island. And people who come from islands have inferiority complexes. They get antsy, wanting to give into wanderlust, so to combat this, they hop in their tall ships and go a-sailing to find anyone they can destroy and ‘civilize’. Or they create sadistic, deluded, death-worshipping warriors known as samurai, and stay home killing each other or themselves.)

Brexit says go backwards and there could be another chance to rule and butcher the world. Those against it say let’s get along with our Euro neighbors – for once – how many wars have we had against France alone? Christ, man, the Chinese will own you while you’re still bickering about Ireland! Enough with attacking the Irish, already! That’s your historical go-to. When you have no more lands to conquer, Ireland is always within a quick commute ... back home for tea while the corpses bleed out and fires burn.

Anyway, I’m probably wrong. What is Brexit? Whatever the rich say it is. The poor ... well, aren’t they lovely? Like scabs needed to heal a wound. Poor scabs ... they’ll never truly appreciate polo and fox hunting.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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