Jesus spotted in Sowerby Bridge, Yorkshire, UK, walking on water!

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Saturday, 19 December 2020

image for Jesus spotted in Sowerby Bridge, Yorkshire, UK, walking on water!
Yorkshiremen are renowned 'sheep-shaggers' maybe they did see Jesus after all!

(NOT EDITED) Ramblers, barge owners, and drunkards, passing through and residing in a wonderful Yorkshire village called, Sowerby Bridge, have seen something not seen in the UK since St. George defeated a Dragon!

A week before Christmas, local people swear they saw Jesus walking on canal waters between Leeds and Manchester! One drunkard, Jess James, pissed as a newt on Friday evening on local scrumpy, swore he saw the Messiah walking towards Lancashire.

An unemployed canal-barge owner, Joe Bragg, hung out on a lock because of lockdown in Lancashire, also saw Jesus walking past his barge window. He had only drunk two bottles of cheap Polish vodka purchased at Aldi!

Earlier in the day, two 85-year-old, ageing female ramblers, Mary Blint, and Agnes Blowhorn, from Wakefield, swore they saw Jesus too, bless their woolly socks. They dropped to their knees on the canal path and crossed their sagging chests screaming hallelujah! Only problem was, after dropping to their knees they could not get up again, so an ambulance rushed to the scene to help them. The ambulance crew saw nothing, they were sober!

Several priests, and religious leaders, have blessed the canal in Yorkshire after the sightings. Sowerby Bridge is now a UK Lourdes and non-EU-pilgrims will be welcomed after a non-trade-deal has been sunk in the Straits of Dover.

However, a miracle did actually happen along the canal many years ago when a 'Footy Messiah' crossed the Pennines from Leeds to Manchester in winter. This weekend Manchester United fans are heading to Sowerby Bridge, because they are not allowed into Old Trafford, for a congregation to thank Leeds United for being so imbecilic allowing 'Mon Dieu' to head in their direction.

Eric Cantona has often said, and I quote, "My pilgrimage from those Yorkshire Heathens to the Land of Milk and Honey in Manchester was a divine intervention from above, and the seagulls followed me!"

Yorkshire priests are finding it hard to believe what the people actually saw was a drunken 'Fata Morgana' of 'Mon Dieu' exiting their beloved county nicknamed 'Gods County!' They are convinced Jesus, not Eric, was spotted walking on their waters because Leeds fans are praying Jesus is on his way to Manchester to support them just in case they get 'whacked' by United, but only after 45 minutes!

AMEN!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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