An anonymous whistleblower has leaked a government document to the media showing alarming plans to impose Cockney rhyming slang on all northerners by the end of 2021.
The document clearly shows that a project, headed by Michael Gove, is to make speaking in Cockney rhyming slang in the north of England a legal requirement. It is to be rolled out in January 2021, and will be fully implemented by 31 December that year.
Under the pretext of levelling-up the north and south of the country, Geordies, Mancs, Scousers , Brummies and even a few Taffs and Jocks will be forced, by law, to use this ridiculous method of communication.
The government are to recruit a thousand ‘Cockney Cops’ to patrol all public spaces in the north to ensure compliance. They will be empowered to impose on-the-spot fines of up to £1,000, and in some cases administer ‘a good slap’ to any non-compliant citizens.
“Rest assured, the government will leave no stone unturned in finding the perpetrator of the leak, and admonishing him or her,” barked Gove to a hastily assembled press pack outside his posh London home.
When asked whether it was true, and if plans really were afoot to make Cockney rhyming slang compulsory, Gove smiled and said, “When we catch the ‘grass in the park,’ that ‘Gary Glitter’ will be ‘Holy Ghost.’ He’s a ‘James Blunt,’ a ‘nervous tick’ and a pile of ‘pony and trap’, as far as I’m concerned.”
It was noted by the press pack that, once again, Gove answered a totally different question to the one asked, and also that such a move would be a zero-cost way of pretending to help citizens north of Watford, whilst actually crapping on their heads.
On hearing the news, a spokesman for all Geordies, Mr Watt Fettlethedaybonnielad, said, “What’s a cockney?”
