Entrepreneur and philanthropist, Santa Claus, has announced that he will no longer be donating to the Tories. Clearly furious, Mr Claus made his announcement to a shivering press pack from outside his home in Lapland.
“I’m thoroughly pissed off with Boris,” moaned the white-bearded old gent. “This lockdown nonsense is crippling my business. Because I don’t charge for the toys I give away, I’m classed by that twat Rishi Sunak as a charity. Therefore, my elves don’t qualify for the 80% furlough bung. I’ll be skint before Christmas, if we even have one! Under this bunch of tossers,_ it’ll be postponed until Eid!”
Mr Claus went on to bemoan the Tories incompetent handling of the Brexit negotiations, adding, “It looks like a no-deal exit is heading our way. It’s alright for that blond-bonced pisspot sitting at home on a fat salary nursing his sprog on his knee, but what about me? I’ll have to pay 40% tariffs now. That’s why I’m quitting bunging the party money. I’ve been a lifelong Tory supporter and must have slipped them millions over the years, but enough’s enough. They can go f*ck themselves now.”
A spokesman from a visiting Chinese trade delegation commented, “Every crowd has a silver rining.”