Werther's Originals blamed for rise in pedophile crime

Written by aningeniousname

Monday, 19 February 2007

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Would you accept a werther's from this man?

Werthers Originals, the delicious toffee based sweet, was today named in a government report as one of the main contributory factors in the rise of pedophile crime in the UK.

The reports states, "Although there are many and varied reasons for the sharp increase in the statistics relating to crimes of this nature, we believe the main cause to be the easy availability of Werther's originals to sex offenders."

If that wasn't damning enough, the report also goes on to recommend the toffees should only continue to be sold on the condition that each individual sweet would carry a warning on the dangers of pedophilia to alert any unsuspecting kids to the dangers posed by accepting sweets from strangers.

A spokesman for the company that makes the offending toffees said, "We obviously take the findings of the report very seriously indeed and will take into account any recommendations the report makes. In the company's defence I would like to categorically state that the toffees were not intended to be used in the abduction of children and that their main function was intended to be as a chewy treat from a loving grandfather as our branding clearly purports."

Even though the company denies the toffees were intended to be used to lure children into danger, it is well known within the pedophile community that Werther's Originals are irresistible to kids. Similar to the Dairy Lea fad of the 1990s.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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