(Scottsboro, AL) - Fellow chocolate factory workers were startled when master candy maker Horance Burgance presented them with a chocolate bust of former Alabama head football coach Paul "Bear" Bryant. The bust, seen above, formed when a leak on the assembly line dripped next to a cooling tower.
Bryant has been revered in Alabama for generations. He was national coach of the year three times, SEC coach of the year eight times, coached six national championship teams and on November 28, 1981, he became the winningest coach in the history of college football. Bryant retired from coaching with an astonishing 323 victories. Since his demise, Alabama's success has been more limited.
"I think it's a sign from above that maybe our issues with the NCAA, renegade coaches and too many injuries are finally over." "It's time for Alabama to go back on top as the nation's premier football program and this is just the first indicator," he said.
Alabama has dominated college football, winning more national championships and more bowl games than any other team in their division.
Not to be outdone, in-state rival Auburn University quickly announced its own special chocolate miracle. Eddy "beer-belly" Grunter announced that he had discovered a chocolate statue in the restroom of Quickie Mart.
"It looked just like Shug Jordan. I swear. I had it all wrapped up to take to the game cause I knew the guys might need it. I put it on the truck dashboard for good luck while I drove ove there and I kinda forgot about the sun coming in. It kind of melted and now it just looks like a turd," he said as he wept openly.
Scientists are at a loss to explain the sudden rash of "chocolate miracle statues" appearing across the U.S. and other parts of the world. Workers at Angiano's gourmet chocolate company, Bodega Chocolates, discovered a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings under a vat that they believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.
Buyers on EBay immediately began bidding for the sacred treasures, even though none were listed for sale, causing a meltdown of the computer system.
One shopper commented, "this is a sign from God that people should not traffic in sacred artifacts."
