Written by Pistol Whalon

Sunday, 21 May 2006

image for Male Dog Owner Myth Exposed
Shut that mut up!

The myth of male dog owners being “macho-men” while male cat owners are usually perceived as a little more on the “wimpy” side has been perpetuated for far too long. Through exhaustive interviews, hidden cameras, and down-right good investigative work I have pieced together an earth shattering report dispelling every misconception previously believed on the subject of male dog owners vs. male cat owners. Here are the stunning results!
In our study we researched five traits, comparing each with male dog and cat owners.
1. Independence: Frankly, dogs have none. By law, they must be leashed whenever out in public; rather humiliating, don’t you think. I believe this is also a control issue with male dog owners, a sure sign of immaturity. There is nothing worse than a controlling “tough guy”, right ladies?
Cats, on the other paw, are free to come and go as they please, trusted by their owners and society in general, to exhibit proper behavior and return home without the need of constant supervision and a strangle hold around their necks. It takes a well-adjusted man to allow such unrestricted freedom.
2. Self Sufficiency: When a dog, on a supervised walk, decides it's time to relieve itself, the owner is bound, once again, by law to scoop up the stinky results. Now, I don't know about you, but this doesn't strike me as a sign of machismo. Of course, dog owners have options; they can let the canine do his business in the back yard. Then Mr. Macho won’t have to pick up a pile of processed food immediately. He can leave it lie there and age for as long as he wishes. Flies anyone?
Have you ever stepped in a pile of cat stuff? That's because they bury it in out-of-the-way places, unseen (and smelled) by the human eye (and nose); nice and neat. Bad weather? Cats will use a cat box and bury the treasures. Dogs, well you figure it out.
3. Manners: Have you ever watched a dog eat? It’s like something out of Animal House. They exhibit zero self-control. The pooch will eat everything you put in front of them. Give them too much food and they will gobble it up, get sick then eat what they vomited! Disgusting! Once again, you must control the mutt for his own good. The mess left behind by a hungry hound looks like a college dorm after a food fight. Hey, look at the tough guy wiping kibble off his kitchen wall.
Cats: Neat, clean, controlled. They'll be back for more food when they are hungry. You must be very stable, well-adjusted man to own a cat. The ego of most dog owners I know couldn’t handle having a cat around the house.
4. Cleanliness: How often do you have to wash your cat? How often does your cat stink like a dirty dog? Cats wash themselves. What a great concept! What's the matter brawny man; got a little doggie soap in your eye? You better keep him inside after his bath or he will go roll in the dirt. I’m not sure about you but I don’t want a pet that loves being dirty and stinky.
5. Destructive Behavior: Visit the back yard of a person with a large dog. It looks like a war zone - holes everywhere, flowers destroyed, dead grass, mangled toys, and soiled patio furniture. Planning a summer barbeque? Be prepared for a days work making the yard look like your dog is under control. Got a barker on your hands? Bummer! Hope you have understanding (or deaf) neighbors.
When was the last time you were kept awake all night by a meowing cat? Behavioral problems are a given for dog owners. They do offer help for this problem. It's called dog obedience class. Guess what? There is no such thing as cat obedience class. I wonder why.
In conclusion—the belief that having a dog is more macho than owning a cat is obviously, totally false. Male dog owners are insecure, adolescent men who have a deep seeded inferiority complex. Male cat owners are well-adjusted, secure adults who are grounded with a keen understanding of what is important in life. We hope you now understand the truth of pet ownership and will soon adopt a cat for your very own.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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